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"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein
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"I was stressed out about being dyslexic so I took a Xanax. I mean a Xanax."
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"That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures." - Jerry Coleman
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"I drank to drown my sorrows, but the damned things learned how to swim." - Frida Kahlo
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"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

- Lily Tomlin
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"No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald's I'm still gonna eat it."
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"The best thing about the internet is the free exchange of ideas shared among people from all across the globe. That and all the porn. Mostly the porn."
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My life coach just benched me.
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Started from the bottom... Still there.
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I'm not saying I'm bilingual but I can pronounce almost all the stuff on the Taco Bell menu.
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It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.
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"Instant gratification takes too long." - Carrie Fisher
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"The men who really believe in themselves are all in lunatic asylums." - G.K. Chesterton
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"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places." - Henny Youngman
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Actions lie louder than words. - Carolyn Wells
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If you can find something everyone agrees on it's wrong. - Mo Udall
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Household tasks are easier and quicker when they are done by somebody else. - James Thorpe
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Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. - James Thurber
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The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time. - Willie Tyler
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Nobody's perfect and I'm nobody!
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Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number. - Anonymous
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To make a long story short I utilized Chinese characters.

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